BEHIND the pulpit with Pastor Buck ::: by Steve Phelps

Top Ten Things You Probably Won’t See
or Hear at the 27^th General Assembly

10. A GS whose hair isn’t grey

9. Songs from the Nazarene hymnal

8. A service that ends when it’s supposed to

7. Cool, balmy weather

6. The guy who sells “ShamWow!” in the exhibit hall

4. An uncrowded swimming pool

3. Senator Ted Kennedy or Representative Nancy Pelosi

2. Short lines at concession stands

1. That budgets are suspended for the next quadrennium.

Top Ten Things You Don’t Want to See
in Church on Easter Sunday

10. A greeter wearing a bunny suit.

9. A Sunday school teacher trying to remove jelly beans from a junior boy’s nose, ear, etc.

8. A stuffed bunny on the communion table.

7. Ushers receiving the offering in Easter baskets.

6. Baby ducks swimming in the baptistery.

5. Communion wafers covered in chocolate.

4. The children’s choir opening the service with a rousing rendition of “Peter Cottontail.”

3. A “Peep” stuck to your shoe as you stand up to preach.

2. The choir and drama team completing their part of the service at five minutes before noon.

1. An announcement in the bulletin that one of the Easter Lilies was donated in your memory.

Top Ten New Year’s Resolutions for Pastors

10. To never forget to heat the water in the baptismal pool.

9. To always check the wireless microphone before trips to the restroom.

8. To stop reporting pets seen near the church property on Sundays as visitors.

7. To quit referring to the church treasurer as “Prince of Darkness.”

6. To never again allow the visiting cousin of a member to sing a solo.

5. To remove the message, “Pastor Bob’s the name; preachin’ is my game,” from the parsonage answering machine.

4. To stop waiting until after the late news on Saturday nights to begin sermon prep.

3. To not break any more three-day fasts at Taco Bell.

2. To end the practice of pausing during sermons to respond to text messages.

1. To cease praying for the DS to be called to another assignment.

Top Ten Ways to Boost Sunday Morning Worship Attendance

10. Offer discount from 10 to 7.5 percent on tithes.

9. Announce that the projector is broken and you’ll be using hymnals.

8. Have ushers stand in the street dressed as cops to wave passing cars into parking lot.

7. Use the church’s automatic dialer to tell everyone the Rapture occurred Saturday evening and they’re the only one left.

6. Put large yellow “M” in front of sanctuary and dress greeters as “drive-through” workers.

5. Show “Ratatouille” instead of preaching.

4. Offer free gallon of gas to first 100 attendees.

3. Tell everyone you’ll be competing for the Guinness World Record for shortest sermon.

2. Invite Michael Phelps to swim a lap in the baptismal pool.

1. Announce that the DS will be present to explain the new “Manual” statement against deer hunting

Top Ten Notes on Tithing Checks

10. Hint: the shorter the sermon, the bigger the check!

9. Preaching lessons

8. Lottery winnings

7. Praise team vocal lessons

6. Breath mints for greeters

5. What did you do with the money I gave you last week?

4. Separate bathroom for junior boys

3. Hold until the 15^th.

2. Pastor’s retirement fund

1. Bring back the hymnals, and there’s more where this came from.

eNews readers are invited to submit their own church-related Top Tens. Here’s one we recently received from Christy Gunter Leppert.

Top 10 Things at Kids Camp that Seminary Didn't Prepare Me For

10. The vast amount of bacteria that can congregate in one location

9. How nice it would be to have an invention that pumped coffee into the veins

8. Singing songs about praising God with your toes

7. Being afraid to lay your head down at night knowing some kid has sat on your pillow

6. Hearing sermons that compare the heavenly streets of gold to cheese… and actually appreciating the metaphor.

5. Irrational fear that the camp swimming hole (a muddy pond) is the original source of leprosy

4. A GPS is necessary to find the bathroom

3. Finding comfort by imagining some children (and adults) stuck to a Velcro wall

2. Hearing repeatedly in your head the scripture, “endure affliction”

1. Leaving camp with the promise of returning only if the church board approves funds for therapy

Submit your ideas to help@pbusa.org!